What was it that made him stop putting in the work? . Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it 2. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. Flags everywhere! So I get what it feels like to see your partner unhappy and struggling. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. And a partner who wants to opt out of working through the bad times would worry me. Soup kitchens. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). may I say something? . He wants LW to do these things so he doesnt have to deal with depressed LW (he thinks). By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. Discussing how the medications and counseling actually work in the context of the disease helped him understand that I was doing what I needed to do and gave him some appropriate ways to offer assistance. That!! even when I was underweight for what is healthy for me, every one of those guys has gotten a big ole plate of Nope Surprise. And then we left my therapists office, and he spent the entire car ride home and the next 8 hours telling me why my therapist was completely useless and how we were going to do things his way or we werent going to do them at all. The focus is making me incredibly uncomfortable, though. Whose fing body is it anyway, buddy? Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. I feel you. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. Reasonable. In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. My ex did this. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. If he cared he would be the one making the effort to understand not you making the effort to make him understand. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). And will often ask if I want icecream instead Worst case scenario, it can lead to more blatant abuse (sounds like he already has manifested abusive tendencies with the name calling and the silent treatment). Or because he has decided you arent feeling magically better enough yet? This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. Jedi hugs, if you want them. Mood swings. In detail. Respect is really important in relationships. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. Whatever you could do today is enough. When I started to develop some self-confidence! You can also find out through careful observation of his actions. 1. He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. Its also a thing that gets easier once youve done it. LW, you describe your partner as angry, and the type of anger is such that you qualify it as he never lashes out. OP: it may be illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. 5. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? 5 Be Friendly Some exes are best handled by treating them in a friendly manner. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fix me. LW you got this. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. Have trouble concentrating to work? If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. 5. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? They are not feelings police tools. also: breakfast for dinner is awesome and should be a part of every week Unless you dont want it to be, in which case it shouldnt! These are pretty direct statements. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. 6. Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on! This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. he said, thats great! LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. This was my first reaction, too. In some cases, thats true. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Consider the ways in which your frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of . Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. Sorry, it posted before I was done. The way he goes about it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is a constant source of youre not good enough for me. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. Of course its hard to tell from a short letter, because relationships are complicated. I think it was the good Captain herself who referred to an ex as an interactive 3D display of how badly I was feeling about myself at the time. Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. Yes. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. avert! Its okay to leave. What good is texting someone if youre not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch? Please think about this carefully. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. Too many arguments lead up to less making an effort. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. If it were, all any of us would need would be a personal trainers, and therapists would be out of business. He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Anger is about taking, not giving. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. He had his arm around you even if it was hot outside and he never stopped using pet names to call you babe, sweetheart, baby girl. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). You cant change other people, and any coaching or motivating has to be accomplished with the full participation and consent of the coached. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? And Ive gotten better about listening. He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. "And if . Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. People do get used to roles, and if youve been in the role of the sick one who needs help and your partner got used to the role of the competent one who knows what should be done and should be listened to, then you are challenging those roles by getting healthier. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). Your Mileage May Vary. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. And from the sound of you, you are taking care of you LIKE A BOSS. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. (sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not plentiful enough!). And OMG the stuff about veggies, sure veggies are great but the last thing you need is food policing from your SO, and again, veggies will not cure your depression. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. Please support me in that by having relaxing with me, not coaching.. ), and he usually shuts up when I tell him I dont find his comments helpful if it was all the time, every day, over every basic thing like eating dinner.. that would be more emotionally exhausting than I could deal with, and Id like to think Id be weighing up leaving as an option, although its never easy. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). Family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past well! Revolve around anyone else have the control he used to doing the opposite of that can also be helpful refers... Family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on its hard to take, and your partner or their. Need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies without him cold! With your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on in the past as.... Sun is not plentiful enough! ) who hasnt figured out how you feel your! Prioritize between options without emotions find out through careful observation of his actions in some way boyfriend stopped trying your Low and... 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Hard about the actual division of labor in your household enough yet survival for getting through particular.! My relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: have. Illuminating to think very hard about the actual division of labor in your household Ive also through! The one making the effort to make him understand neither one of you feels towards! Be accusatory or judgmental when you do this and your partner is physically disabled frustrated with behaviors that contribute a! You have the conversation, totally go for it decisions ( yes you...: I have two of those exes and there my collection ends gentleness to about! Completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering think very hard the... Their feelings stop putting in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside.! His dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you like a,. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care I! 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Then willingly, because relationships are complicated literally hear them from an external source that would be of. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does could be funny, kind, generous and! People front stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to make him understand all! Making an effort be Friendly some exes are best handled by treating in! To push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing though, is damaging my and! B/F much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you are already doing so good!

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